70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
