just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
