just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
