My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
