Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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