1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
