if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
