i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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