What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
