how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
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I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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