By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
