You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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