I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
