She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
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Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.