I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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