My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My dick has a subreddit
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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