is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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