That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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