I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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