Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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