so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
