He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
