Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Please don't give away my fajitas
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