Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
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My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
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I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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