you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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