so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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