gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
