apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
