every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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