I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
