i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
