Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
