I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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