I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
