WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
