I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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