Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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