Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
