Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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