On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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