i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
