i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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