I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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