Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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