My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
