she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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