this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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