Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The ass gains better be worth it
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