R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
