I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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