I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
