New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
