Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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