My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
