I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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