trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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