got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
