Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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