Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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