my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
